Stories I Missed

There's been little time to rest and reflect since I've been home. I whisked straight off to the studio to chat with Randy. Caught up on some much needed sleep. But today I have some time, so I'd like to share with you the stories I unintentionally -- or not -- forgot to disclose during the course of our Warped Tour.

1. Strip Club. Our day off. First day off in eleven straight days. The manager of the Buffalo strip club tells us it's illegal for him to serve us alcohol after 4 am, but we're free to stay as long as we'd like. Chaos ensues. Two of the dancers show up the next day to see us play. They stay for drinks afterwards and agree to model the new T-shirts that had just arrived. The photo shoot takes an interesting turn once the girls walk out wearing nothing but the shirts. No one objects.   

2. Groupies. It really boils down to two classifications-- those who are willing to sleep with you, and those who just want your food. Brittany Vegas is far from the latter. She stumbles onto the bus after we had left the door open to filter out a strange smell. According to her, this looked 'inviting', and when she asks, "Which bus is this?" The answer is easy:  "The best bus." Brittany helps herself to a seat and takes turns looking each of us in the eyes as she reveals her sob story. (This element seems to bind the two classes, according to recent studies.) Her friend had just abandoned her here in Connecticut. She's on her way to the next venue already, so all Brittany needs is a ride. "I know how this goes," she adds. "I'll sleep with any of you." That's when our Tour Manager interjects with a, "No." So Brittany Vegas exits the bus in search of a ride elsewhere, which she must have gotten, because the next day in Maryland, we see her again, though she has no recollection of who we are or why we keep calling her Brittany Vegas.

3. The reason we call her Brittany Vegas. Her real name was Brittany, and we're joking about her making the jump to LA to be a 'star'. One of the guys in the band claims to be able to pull some strings in the porn industry, due to an illustrious career of fifty films -- maybe more. "You can be the fluffer," he says. "Brittany Vegas. I see it now. Stick with me, and you'll go far."

4. Bus Roulette. Every spoke cap on the right tire of the bus is marked with a piece of gaft tape and a number. 1 through 10. Each of us puts twenty on a number and in the morning, whomever's number adorns the top, wins the pot.

5. The Pool. Somewhere in Texas at a hotel off the highway, we're all gathered at the indoor pool. I slip off my pants and take a step toward the water. "Troy," says Dan. "You're naked." I'm also starring at a lobby packed with people. I reach for my swim-shorts. Wiggle them on. By the time I'm dressed, only a few people have their foreheads pressed up against the glass.

6. Airplane Attraction. Well -- actually just some crazy chick Eric sits next to on the plane on the way home. She's enthralled with his abundance of chest hair and even goes so far as to invite Devin to their wedding -- despite already having a boyfriend. "I'm a terrible girlfriend," is her justification. "He's in his forties and I've been cheating on him for years." The reason for her trip to Los Angeles? Win big on The Price is Right.

7. Kansas. Dan and I trudge nearly four miles to the nearest liquor store after I tell him I'm tired of seeing "just the parking lot" of everywhere we go. "Let's explore." Turns out Kansas is nothing but cornfields and crickets. Four miles in 95 degree heat. By the time we reach the liquor store, we're already calling for a cab to take us back. "No way I'm walking that again," Dan huffs and puffs. I head into the store, grab a cart and proceed to fill it like a kid at Toys-R-Us on a shopping spree. Outside, Dan's sitting on the curb, still on the phone. "It'll be 15 minutes," he says, hanging up. We crack a beer. Cheers to the adventure. Only -- it's not over. Thirty minutes pass. No cab. Dan calls repeatedly and each time it's: "15 minutes, sir." I can tell he's getting aggravated by the little vein twitching on his forehead, so I duck back into the liquor store for a small bottle of Grey Goose. We take shots on the curb. An hour passes. Still nothing. My phone dies. Dan's is about to die. Bus call is in less than an hour. But we're too drunk to care, or even notice the cab rolling to a stop in front of us. Honk. Honk.

8. Canada. Speaking of walking-too-far-for-booze stories. In Toronto, I disappear for the entire morning and early afternoon. Toronto is beautiful and the skyline's lightly veiled in fog -- but there are far too few liquor stores. And what's this about an exchange rate? God only knows how much I paid for that 24-pack.

9. John's Birthday. We pause in the middle of the set to play happy birthday to our unsuspecting sound man and tour manager. He's even more surprised by the German dark chocolate cake we have waiting back on the bus. "You called my wife?" he exclaims. And we all laugh. "She called us," says Andrew. "Said to make sure it was German chocolate."

10. Swimming. Sasha and I are taking a dip in the Gulf of Mexico when in the distance, we notice a figure. Arms flailing. Screaming: "Troy!" It's Dan. He wades into the water. "We've got five minutes to get you to the Vans UK interview! I've been calling and calling and -- " I tell him I'm sorry. "I forgot." Out of the water. No time to dry off. We jog back to the venue. Try to take a shortcut but get cut off by a ten-foot chain-link fence. So we climb it.

I'm sure there are stories I'm still forgetting. Blame the booze-laced memories or my maladjustment to the real world, but the entire tour feels like a passing breeze now. Came on strong. Gone all too quickly.