A Nobody: Part VII

My congested neighbor Dave's telling me about his recently upgraded backyard. “Whole thing’s wireless now. Unlimited bandwidth.  Cable TV. ”  And the way he exhales -- it’s not quite a sigh, but it’s smug.  Self-felicitating.  Proof that the average American male -- which I believe my neighbor Dave to be, as he’s of average build and average height and average likability -- has smothered his inner cowboy to death.  No more Marlboro Man atop the horse, smoking a cigarette while banging your girlfriend and drinking Jack Daniels, straight. He's been thrown from his steed and paralyzed.  Then the nurses hid his cigarettes. The doctors drank his booze.  Ass-deep in a bedpan, our wild man watches the world replace him with apprehensive young boys.  Sue-happy clock-punchers.  The kind who post to FaceSpace every five seconds and take pride in backyard cable.